Build Boundaries

Therapy Blog Spot Sponsored by:

 www.whitesandscounseling.com

Build Boundaries,

It Will Change Your Life

       Welcome back to Therapy Blog Spot sponsored by White Sands Counseling Center. We’re excited to bring you this blog about building boundaries. If you are struggling with creating boundaries or need help identifying them, we have a range of tools through Life Coaching and Therapy to help you identify what events have happened in your past and help you move forward using positive techniques to conquer your issues.

 What are boundaries?

      There are boundaries everywhere in our society. There are rules and laws, physical barriers and even signs made to ensure boundaries are enforced. With so many rules and laws, sometimes we forget or never learn how to set boundaries for ourselves. According to The Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Boundary is defined as, “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent”. In many cases, we tend to relax on our boundary limits for a variety of reasons. Some of these might be based on fear, complacency, or avoiding conflict. This may happen at work when you’re dealing with a boss, supervisor or even a peer that is overbearing. Not setting boundaries at work is usually because you fear the outcome. You may feel like you will lose your job or there may be repercussions for setting clear boundaries. This also may happen in a friendship or relationship. You don’t want to upset your friend, so you avoid setting boundaries for the sake of your friendship. Other times we never realized we needed boundaries in the first place.  Sometimes people can be raised in families that lack boundaries. Often this will create or be the effects of another set of issues that fall under something called Family Enmeshment. Children may not have clear boundaries from their parents and likewise the children may never set boundaries for themselves when handling situations, including their own parents as they grow. 

What Happens When

We Won’t Set Boundaries?

      When we choose not to set boundaries, we may live with frustration, anger, sadness, and many other repressed feelings. We end up feeling incomplete or taken advantage of.  The world can quickly feel unfair and unreasonable. The feelings created by lack of boundaries can travel to other aspects of your life making you feel less than complete. Think of boundaries as a glass of water. As long as the glass (your boundary) is upright, the water (your life) will stay in the glass.  The water will generally stay calm and you are able to drink the water as needed. But what happens when the glass is knocked over or broken? The water travels on the floor or on a counter, spreading in no general direction and eventually ruining or at minimum making a mess of everything else on the counter or floor. This metaphor can be used for boundaries.  If we don’t set proper boundaries it can easily make a mess of the rest of our lives, creating a variety of angst-filled and unhappy scenarios that may even create sadness and depression.  We have to remember that being reasonable with our boundaries and expectations are important. It is possible to set too many boundaries and isolate yourself from others. Be aware of how and why you are choosing to create boundaries in your life.

 

 How do we set boundaries?

 

       If you’re setting boundaries for the first time, you will probably be met with resistance. When you really stop and think about it, resistance makes a lot of sense.  If you’ve never communicated your boundaries and then they appear seemingly out of thin air, other parties involved will most likely react in disbelief or dismiss your thoughts entirely. This scenario may be where some people would give up on their boundaries.  Giving up at this point is the exact opposite of what should be done. If you bake a cake for the first time and it doesn’t turn out the way you like it, do you never try to bake a cake again? Most people would try to make another cake. This is the same with boundaries. If you fail to establish your boundaries the first time, double down and reaffirm your stance. Before we worry about reaffirming your stance, we need to figure out what your stance is.

 Identify Your Boundaries

      Spend some time figuring out what your boundaries are.  You cannot control anyone else’s actions, only be self-aware and choose your reactions, responses and what you choose to accept and not accept in your life. By identifying your boundary/boundaries you are giving yourself clear guidelines on what is and is not acceptable to you. Here is a list of things that may help you identify if you need to create and identify boundaries:

•  It’s not ok to talk about problems
•  Unpleasant feelings aren’t allowed to be talked about
• You’re not allowed to discuss or express your feelings
• You need to make an excuse instead of disagreeing or having input with a thought or an idea
• You fear speaking to someone directly, so you use a third party
• You feel the need to always act perfect, strong, good or correct
•  Accept unrealistic expectations made by others
•  “Do as I say, not as I do” environments
•   It’s not ok to be playful or happy
•  It’s not ok to shine or excel too much
• You fear “rocking the boat”
• Always feel as though you need to tread lightly, pending doom every day
• You feel scared or guilty of saying no
• You need to pretend there aren’t problems
• You are groomed to feel like other people are “less than”
•  If we disagree with each other, we are attacking or abandoning each other
•  Controls others by manipulating with threats, fear, guilt or pity
•  If you express a need then you are called “dramatic”
•  Set off others emotional temperatures to see how you should feel
•  If you control things and people, then you will be safe

 Communicate Your Boundaries

      

      Once you’ve identified your boundaries it is time to address the parties that need to be involved. For this section I will use work for boundary setting. You have identified you are being pressured to work too much and feel like you will be treated “less than” if you don’t do what everyone else is doing. When speaking to a boss or supervisor, you will want to keep your composure and try to avoid emotional outburst.  You want to be clear and concise as well as reasonable with your boundaries.  For example, “I’ve decided that my boundary for work is that I am only going to come into work for 3 hours a day.” This would be a completely unreasonable boundary as most places of work are going to need to operate within a certain time frame.  In this same scenario a more reasonable request would be, “I have been struggling with all of the overtime and it is impacting my family life as well as my personal health and happiness, I would like to get off on time from now on.”  This is a completely reasonable request and you have stated your boundary and why you need them to be addressed. If your employer is unwilling to comply, other actions may have to be discussed or worked, including the possibility of changing departments or possibly companies all together. By communicating your boundaries you are helping yourself have the opportunity to raise your communication IQ and have overall peace of mind guilt free.

 

You can learn how to reclaim your life and ask others to respect you and your boundaries. 

      If you set a boundary and have clearly communicated it, hold your ground.  Don’t let people make you feel like you’re the unreasonable person.  “Well, Tom and Mary always stay late with no problems, you should be more like them!” Tom and Marry have their own contracts and their own boundaries and if staying late is ok with them, their circumstance is different than yours. A good way to handle this situation would be to be firm but not reactive. “Tom and Mary may be able to stay late, but their work circumstances are different from mine and my focus is on my life and work balance, not Tom and Mary.” This re-affirms you are standing your ground without arguing. For example, you may be more efficient than Tom and Mary and the need to be at work longer is unnecessary, however pointing the finger at another employee distracts from the point. It is important to stay focused on your work and your basic needs and boundaries. This technique shows them it’s not ok for them to point at the other employees to try to pressure you to change your limits.  Also, by creating an environment that is sustainable for you, you will make you a happier and a more productive member of the team.

Creating Boundaries 
Can Change Your Life

      By creating boundaries you can help yourself live a happier and healthier life with less stress. This process doesn’t happen overnight and may take months, even years to understand and practice. If you need help with creating boundaries, give us a call. Our counselor can help with past traumas and help identify boundaries. We also offer motivational, positive and healthy methods of practicing boundaries with our life coaching department.  Thank you for taking the time to check out the Therapy Blog Spot sponsored by White Sands Counseling Center. We look forward to helping you move in the right direction!

If you need help with boundaries, or confidence to build boundaries, click here and fill out our quick online form or email us at management@whitesandscounseling.com . We will get back to you as soon as possible and discuss a therapy or coaching plan customized for your specific needs. Visit our website for more details. www.whitesandscounseling.com